So Long, Farewell . . . I’ll Call You in an Hour

“I always think I’ve heard it all,” says Marjorie Savage. As the parent program director at the Twin Cities campus of the University of Minnesota, and author of You’re on Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years, you’d think she would have.

But, year after year, Savage, who acts as liaison between parents and the university, hears new concerns from parents about what students are facing their first year. “I had a parent call and say, ‘My son told me it’s rush week and that he was told by his fraternity to give up his cell phone,’” Savage says. The young man wasn’t allowed to make or receive calls for a week, which rattled his parents, who were accustomed to frequent check-ins.

Truth is, few college kids today go longer than a week without calling, e-mailing, or sending instant messages home, especially during freshman year. Which means you’re likely to hear about everything—surly sorority sisters, the overload of midterms, nocturnal roommates, and unpalatable cafeteria food. Rest assured, you WILL get that call complaining about a plugged drain in the  dorm showers.

Before you dial the dean, however, keep in mind that these are common issues for first-year college students. It may be difficult, but resist the urge to solve problems for your child. "The most successful parents are the ones who ask . . . open-ended questions to have the student come to his own realization for a solution," says Peg Walter, director of residential life at the College of Saint Benedict in St. Joseph. Savage agrees. “When I talk to parents,” she says, “I tell them, ‘Here’s what your student can do,’ not ‘Here’s what YOU can do.’”

If you helped your child move to campus last week and the desperate phone calls have already begun, ask yourself: Are you ready to make the transition from solving to suggesting? We have tips on how to start.

“My Roommate Is Driving Me Nuts”
“Students have the tendency to come to school with the expectation that their roommates will be their best friends or their worst enemies,” Savage says. “I had a student a couple of years ago who said she was absolutely surprised she could have an argument with her roommate and still be friends.”

For teens who grew up with their own bedrooms and, in some cases, their own bathrooms, it may be a culture shock to share close quarters with a stranger and have to mediate their own conflicts. Suggest your student sit down with her roomie and figure out a roommate agreement—talk over things like how loud to play music, what items they’re comfortable sharing, room temperature, and when each person needs quiet study time. If there’s still conflict, suggest they ask their RA or another impartial third party at the residential life office for suggestions. 

“Can I Come Home. . . This Weekend?”
“Before students get really connected on campus, homesickness is a big issue,” says Melissa Grindahl, director of student support services at Duluth’s College of St. Scholastica.

Getting connected can take a good six to eight weeks—the average transition time for most incoming first-years. So if you get a glum call from a homesick child, assure him that once he gets involved, he’ll miss home less. “He can join an organization or volunteer in the residence hall,” Savage suggests. “Explain that once your student is involved, it builds from there.”

“We encourage parents to tell kids: ‘Stay on campus—don’t come home every weekend,’” says Tony Piscitiello, vice president of admissions at St. Mary’s University in Winona. “By staying on campus, they have more opportunities to meet people and develop friendships and relationships.”
“I Maxed Out My Credit Card and Can’t Pay It Off”
Many eighteen-year-old college freshman are managing their own finances for the first time—and finding themselves in over their heads. “Finances are an area where parents should be involved because they can affect the whole family,” Savage says. “If a student drops chemistry and goes down in credits, she might not qualify to live in the residence hall, or she may have to start paying back financial aid.”

Offer to work out a budget with your student to figure out living expenses and costs for items like cell phones, books, student fees, and toiletries. Does she realize the true costs of a car—gas, insurance, unexpected repairs? Advise that she toss out the credit card offers that flood campus mailboxes and check out campus resources (the financial aid office is a good place to start); some schools even offer workshops to help students understand financial planning.

“I’ve Gained/Lost Weight”
Has your student gained weight over the course of a semester? Could be the food available in the cafeteria, so reminders about healthy eating might be helpful. But if he’s put weight on—or lost it—in a short period of time, there may be another problem altogether.

“Depression is kind of common in college,” Grindahl says. “Change and stress can trigger a depressive episode. Watch for changes like the loss of interest in things your son or daughter used to enjoy or if he or she is sleeping less or more.” If these or other symptoms, such as weight shifts or changes in appetite, persist for more than two weeks, encourage your child talk to someone in the health and wellness center.

“Team up with his roommate, a friend, a professor he trusts,” Grindahl says. “Keep those lines of communication open when it comes to depression.”

Run-of-the-mill colds may call for you to send a care package; other illnesses can call for more. Make sure your student knows what health resources are available on and off campus. “A lot of students get to college never having had to make a doctor’s appointment or deal with health insurance,” Savage says. “The worst time to deal with those issues is when they’re sick.”

“I Can’t Get It All Done”
With volleyball practice, classes, study groups, volunteer work at the community center, a work-study job, and rehearsals for Fiddler on the Roof, it’s no wonder your daughter is feeling overwhelmed—especially if she no longer has you around to arrange her schedule.

“Students come to college from a life that’s very structured,” Walter says “They’re coming in with parents that have done it for them. Then they get to college and they’re on their own.”

The goal is to empower students to manage their own time. You can help by recommending your daughter make an appointment with an academic adviser to look over her schedule. The adviser can point out common time wasters, like watching too much TV or e-mailing friends, and also determine whether extracurricular activities are taking away from her studies.

Some schools, like Concordia University in St. Paul, have special programs in place to help students struggling to manage their schedules. Joe Florez Jr., now associate director of undergraduate admissions and assistant football coach at Concordia University, was one such student. “Coming in here, I did horribly,” he says. “I didn’t need the math, writing, or reading tutoring—I needed time management help.”

He got that help in a year-long program called Academic Development, which helps students efficiently plan their days, improve their study habits, and get enough sleep. “That program really helped me get going,” he says. “I did A and B work after that.”

“I’m Just Not Good Enough to Be Here”
“For a lot of students, it’s easy in high school to sit, listen, do the readings, and pass the tests,” Savage says. “In college, they have to apply that information and actually use it. That’s a skill an incoming student may not possess.”

Remind your child that schoolwork is  is different in college. If he needs extra help, suggest he seek out study skills workshops, attend tutoring sessions, or visit professors during office hours. Many schools have programming that eases kids into the rigors of college academics. The College of St. Scholastica, for instance, has a first-year development program that teaches groups of students about college life and stress-management. Kids who are still struggling to meet the minimum requirements to be enrolled at St. Scholastica take study skills classes, meet with a counselor on a regular basis, and get tutoring for a year. If they maintain a minimum GPA, they can continue at the school as a sophomore.

“My Professor Didn’t Give Me an A”
In college, students can’t bring their grade up by doing a book report for extra credit. Nor can you change their grades by calling the professor or attending parent-teacher conferences.

“In the past, parents have sent their kids off to college, and it was up to the kids to make it go,” Piscitiello says. “Now the pendulum has swung to where parents are very involved in the courses that students take, roommate selection, and how students are handling finances.”

Piscitiello cites examples of parents who call professors about a student’s grades and ask athletic coaches why their child didn’t make the varsity team. “More and more parents are making decisions for their students,” he says. “But, if they’re serving as their children’s advocates, the students are less able to act as their own advocates.”

Your children still need you, but they don’t need you to make decisions for them. Doing so only keeps them from learning how to do so on their own, and might garner you the moniker of “helicopter parent” (so called because of the tendency to hover over your child). Savage, who doesn’t like the term, differentiates between involved parents and meddlesome parents. “There’s a real difference between the two,” she says. “There are times when it’s important for parents to be involved.”

Only you and your child can judge when that time is. Often the hardest part is letting your child make decisions and deal with the consequences—even if they’re negative.

“Parents need to really talk with their student,” Grindahl says. “They can say, ‘I’m excited for you, but this is hard on me. I’m used to being involved.’ You’ve lived a lifetime so far in a certain way and this is a really big shift—for the student and the parent.”