So Long, Farewell . . . I’ll Call You in an Hour

January 2006 Special Advertising Section

“I always think I’ve heard it all,” says Marjorie Savage. As the parent program director at the Twin Cities campus of the University of Minnesota, and author of You’re on Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years, you’d think she would have.

But, year after year, Savage, who acts as liaison between parents and the university, hears new concerns from parents about what students are facing their first year. “I had a parent call and say, ‘My son told me it’s rush week and that he was told by his fraternity to give up his cell phone,’” Savage says. The young man wasn’t allowed to make or receive calls for a week, which rattled his parents, who were accustomed to frequent check-ins.

Truth is, few college kids today go longer than a week without calling, e-mailing, or sending instant messages home, especially during freshman year. Which means you’re likely to hear about everything—surly sorority sisters, the overload of midterms, nocturnal roommates, and unpalatable cafeteria food. Rest assured, you WILL get that call complaining about a plugged drain in the  dorm showers.

Before you dial the dean, however, keep in mind that these are common issues for first-year college students. It may be difficult, but resist the urge to solve problems for your child. "The most successful parents are the ones who ask . . . open-ended questions to have the student come to his own realization for a solution," says Peg Walter, director of residential life at the College of Saint Benedict in St. Joseph. Savage agrees. “When I talk to parents,” she says, “I tell them, ‘Here’s what your student can do,’ not ‘Here’s what YOU can do.’”

If you helped your child move to campus last week and the desperate phone calls have already begun, ask yourself: Are you ready to make the transition from solving to suggesting? We have tips on how to start.

“My Roommate Is Driving Me Nuts”
“Students have the tendency to come to school with the expectation that their roommates will be their best friends or their worst enemies,” Savage says. “I had a student a couple of years ago who said she was absolutely surprised she could have an argument with her roommate and still be friends.”

For teens who grew up with their own bedrooms and, in some cases, their own bathrooms, it may be a culture shock to share close quarters with a stranger and have to mediate their own conflicts. Suggest your student sit down with her roomie and figure out a roommate agreement—talk over things like how loud to play music, what items they’re comfortable sharing, room temperature, and when each person needs quiet study time. If there’s still conflict, suggest they ask their RA or another impartial third party at the residential life office for suggestions. 

“Can I Come Home. . . This Weekend?”
“Before students get really connected on campus, homesickness is a big issue,” says Melissa Grindahl, director of student support services at Duluth’s College of St. Scholastica.

Getting connected can take a good six to eight weeks—the average transition time for most incoming first-years. So if you get a glum call from a homesick child, assure him that once he gets involved, he’ll miss home less. “He can join an organization or volunteer in the residence hall,” Savage suggests. “Explain that once your student is involved, it builds from there.”

“We encourage parents to tell kids: ‘Stay on campus—don’t come home every weekend,’” says Tony Piscitiello, vice president of admissions at St. Mary’s University in Winona. “By staying on campus, they have more opportunities to meet people and develop friendships and relationships.”