High Rollers

Money can’t buy you love. Or happiness. Or long life, respectability, knowledge, grace, taste, laughter, tears—but it can buy buckets of Grey Goose and an obnoxious personal VIP suite at Myth. And, actually, it can buy 90 percent of the aforementioned items—in a pinch. Vulgar? Sure. But this is America, last time we checked. So bring the good plastic, if you’re a true baller.

Whether you’re a power forward, powerful real estate mogul, or even just power hungry, Bellanotte’s David and Alexus Koch know how to take care of you. Their Block E Italian restaurant/club has been a postshow, postgame, post-Wednesday night must for anybody who thinks they’re anybody, and it has been  for the past five years—which is a verifiable eternity as “The Spot.” Roll up in the AMG, or at least your best ensemble, because this is still the most cutthroat velvet rope in town. 600 Hennepin Ave., 612-339-7200

The cavernous airplane hangar that is Myth is the closest thing we have to a massive Vegas club. It’s more blinged out and just plain cleaner than any local club. It can accommodate 2,000 people on the lower level, but if you have the paper (up to $10,000 for a concert, $1,500 for a “normal” Saturday night), you and twenty-five of your closest friends can march right past the plebes, escorted by bouncers with ruthless marinelike haircuts, upstairs to a labyrinth of VIP suites, where you can look down on the undulating masses like a military dictator looking out on his legions. 3090 Southlawn Dr., Maplewood, 651-815-4002

There might be bigger national names in town—Jean-Georges, Wolfgang—but Tim McKee is the only chef with the culinary sophistication on par with places such as New York’s Per Se or Chicago’s Moto. La Belle Vie is special-occasion dining, seven days a week, and you will pay accordingly: The eight-course tasting menu costs $80 per person, and the “supplemental wine flight,” meticulously put together by sommelier Bill Sommerville, runs about $55. And don’t forget the tip—the service is the best in town. 510 Groveland Ave., Mpls., 612-874-6440

The big, blue, prog-rock spaceship has seventeen wet bars, so getting a drink is seldom a hassle. But if you’ve given enough dough to qualify as a member of the Tyrone Guthrie Circle ($2,000 or more annually), you’ll be admitted to the Guthrie’s version of business class: the exclusive Kitchak Lounge, where before, after, and during intermission, not only will you be attended to like Lear himself, but you’ll be able to recount Stoppard’s exquisite references while delightfully chortling alongside your fellow patrons de arte.  818 S. 2nd St., Mpls., 612-225-6152

You can’t go wrong with Manny’s wet-aged rib eye followed by cognac and inside jokes at the bar. You don’t have to sweat the archaic kitsch factor found at other native old-school steak houses, and although we love Morton’s just as much as the next generic gray suit does, it’s reassuring to see a locally run company get the intimate clubhouse vibe right, right down to the best bartending staff in town, whether you want to talk over your snifter or not. Hyatt Regency, 1300 Nicollet Mall, Mpls., 612-339-9900

Yeah, the name—Chambers Rock Star Suite—is embarrassingly cornpone, but at 1,000 square feet, with a view looking out on Hennepin’s theater district from the 580-square-foot private wraparound balcony, the room would impress the most decadent Chateau Marmont regular. For $3,500, the C throws in black hardwood floors, a separate parlor area with leather sofas, and two minibars. 901 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 612-767-6900

The cigar, once a potent symbol of The Good Life, has been criminalized by a bunch of lily-livered bourgeoisie health nuts and relegated to tawdry backdoor porches or, worse, completely banished to the cold. Stogies on Grand still knows how to take care of the aficionado, so you can smoke your Romeo y Julieta Corona (never, ever call it a “stogie,” despite the storefront) in the open without shame, but rather with pride in a taste cultivated through time and, of course, plenty of cash. You can even bring a fifth on your hip. Stay classy, St. Paul. 961 Grand Ave., St. Paul, 651-222-8700

What with the smoking ban, traffic, and ugly drunk people, to those in the know, the new going out is staying in. You can avoid the hoi polloi in considerable style by hiring Orono’s favorite son, Chef Ted Hallson, whose presence is de rigueur at all west side society events, including birthdays, anniversaries, bat mitzvahs, and croquet parties. He made his bones at Chicago’s legendary Trio before starting his private catering business. Depending on the customized menu (consultation takes into account the occasion, the room, et cetera), prices average around $130 per person. He doesn’t provide alcohol, but that’s what wine cellars are for! 763-525-1700

This is where Minnesota’s real money, its lake money, goes out—and wears jeans (with Prada sneakers). Yes, Gianni’s Steakhouse, with its spun salad and a juice list almost exclusively made up of overpriced Californian fruit bombs, is where the wealthy yacht-rock crowd goes to feel like “one of us.” You know, a date with the wife, the kid’s birthday, for boys’ night out, girls’ night out. It’s basically Applebee’s with much better food at much higher prices. 635 E. Lake St., Wayzata,  952-404-1100