Dave Ryan's Morning Dish

It’s six in the morning at Dave Ryan’s house in Chanhassen. It’s still dark, but upstairs, Dave’s wife, Susan, is already coiffed, impeccably made up, and ready for work in a business suit. She’s moved on to getting the two kids—8-year-old Carson and 17-year-old Allison—ready for school. Dave is down in the basement, and he’s still in his pajamas.

KDWB’s Dave Ryan in the Morning Show will be in Chanhassen all week as part of a broadcasting stunt called “Dave’s Basement.” Dave’s second family—Morning Show castmates Steve-O, Lena, and Crisco—will be couch surfing down here in their sleeping bags for five days, living on pizza and junk food. It’s Monday morning, and somehow it already smells like a fart joke. Engineers are tweaking mounted webcams so that listeners can log on to KDWB.com and cyberstalk the cast throughout the day, even after the show, when they’ll play Jenga and watch The View and Live with Regis and Kelly. The cast crowds around the island in the small basement kitchen. They’re live on air, and Dave, Lena, and Steve-O are reading job descriptions they’ve found on the internet to Crisco, who was fired the week before from his second job as a mailroom clerk at a downtown law firm.

“Crisco” (real name Adam Zalusky) has been a Morning Show regular since he was a KDWB intern in 2002. He got his nickname after he lost his sandwich-artist gig—his manager at Subway fired him for impaling an aerosol can of artificial shortening in an impromptu knife-throwing contest. “As soon as the knife punctured the can I knew I was gonna get fired,” Crisco told me in an earlier interview. “So I made five sandwiches and walked out the door.”

Crisco is an overweight tech-school dropout who lives with his sister and her kid. Like everyone on the show, he is outspoken when it comes to his loser credentials, but Crisco’s loser street cred is more intense than the show’s other three personalities—he’s almost like the loser mascot. He seems to be perversely proud of getting kicked out of St. Agnes Catholic High School with the second-worst GPA in school history (“.72—an A in Home Ec and a B in Gym saved me from making history,” he notes). And he is open about his bad luck when it comes to both work and women. Two years ago, when he lost his virginity to his then-fiancée, he couldn’t help himself from sharing it with Dave on air. “On my way in I told myself, Some things are private. Some things are private. But when I got there, I don’t think my smile could’ve been more ear-to-ear. I couldn’t not tell them.” His fiancée ended up breaking off the engagement.

Back in the basement, prompted by Dave, Crisco lists his entire résumé.

“I’ve been fired from Arby’s, Subway, Target, and TCF,” he says. “I get bored.”

“Welcome to the real world,” Steve-O says as Dave and Lena cackle in the background.

Dave starts in on the job descriptions.

“CEO,” Dave says. “Okay. Need 10 to 15 years’ experience. The ability to process large amounts of data. Qualities: leadership, self-confidence, decision-making skills . . .”

Steve-O and Lena interrupt: “NO!”

Dave moves on. “Electrical installation.”

Steve-O and Lena preempt: “NO!”

“Okay, post office employee.” Dave pauses. “I took the postal exam once. But I walked too fast and smiled too much. Crisco, you might be able to pass that one.”

“Sounds too boring,” he says.

“Forest and conservation administrator,” Dave continues. “Must be physically fit and strong.”

Steve-O and Lena: “NO!”

It goes on like this for a few more minutes until Crisco says what he really wants to do is cook. “My favorite job was as a fry cook at Perkins,” he says. “I was really happy.”

“That’s a great goal, Crisco,” Lena deadpans.

After the show, Crisco makes everybody scrambled eggs with scallions.