HOW TO: Buy a cabin up north
If you don’t already own a cabin up north, you can forget about buying one. All the cabins in Minnesota you could afford were purchased a century ago for a few beaver pelts and are now handed down from generation to generation like the family jewels. They are not for sale. Furthermore, Minnesotans rarely invite non-family members “up to the cabin,” so the best way to experience the joys of cabin ownership is to marry into a sixth-generation Minnesota family—preferably one that also owns a boat.
HOW TO: Swim naked
Skinny-dipping at the lake is a Minnesota tradition, but strangely, no one has ever seen a Minnesotan naked outside. To preserve their modesty, locals enter the water with their swimsuits on, slip them off in the water, discreetly place them on the dock, and slip their suits back on underwater when they are finished swimming. They then return to the privacy of their cabin, where all manner of sinful frolicking ensues.
HOW TO: Avoid weekend traffic to the Northwoods
Leave on Wednesday.
HOW TO: Talk about the weather
True Minnesotans don’t whine about the weather. They remark on it, discuss it, laugh at it, and make national news with it, but they do not complain about it. Complaining is for sissies who live below the 43rd parallel.
What Minnesotans DO Say about the weather:
| 100° | — “A little toasty.” |
| 70° | —“Enjoy it while it lasts.” |
| 40° | —“T-shirt weather.” |
| 10° | —“Not too bad out.” |
| 20 below | —“Kinda crisp.” |
| 50 below | —“On the nippy side.” |
| 70 below | —“I’ve seen worse.” |
HOW TO: Thwart a Squirrel Attack
As every Minnesotan knows, squirrels are evil little creatures that amuse themselves by staging bold tactical raids on every bird feeder in the neighborhood. Squirrels will do whatever it takes—shimmy, leap, cling, shake, jostle, swing, swat, tag-team, dive-bomb—to empty a bird feeder. The state’s best engineers have devised all sorts of contraptions to thwart the pea-sized genius of the average squirrel brain—and none of them work. The truth is, there is only one way to defeat a Minnesota squirrel: Move to Florida.
| How to Get “The Shot”
The ultimate prize in Minnesota fishing is “The Shot”—a photo of you holding the monster muskie you’ve just fought and tamed. Getting The Shot isn’t easy, but Minnesota Bound host Ron Schara says it’s easier in the Twin Cities than most places because “there are 20 lakes in the Twin Cities metro area that harbor muskies 50 inches or longer.” Among them: Lakes Calhoun, Harriet, Minnetonka, and Nokomis. According to Schara, to get The Shot you’ll need: - A heavy-duty muskie rod.
- 80-pound test line and a 100-pound-test steel leader.
- A special, peculiarly named muskie lure— a Jackpot, Mud Puppy, Hawg Wobbler, or Tallywacker will do.
- Pliers
- A big net—“four times as big as a basketball hoop,” says Schara.
- Two people, a boat, and a camera.
- Lots of time: “Muskies aren’t called ‘the fish of 10,000 casts’ for nothing,” Schara says.Cast approximately 10,000 times until you hook a muskie.
- Hold on for dear life: “A muskie strike is extremely violent. They have a mouth like an alligator, and when they strike, all hell breaks loose,” Schara warns.
- Fight the monster until it’s tired: “You don’t want to bring a muskie in ‘green’—that is, with any energy left in them. They fight hard, but not for long—four or five minutes at the most.”
- Slide the net underneath the fish and haul it in: “This is the tricky part, because you’ve got a huge fish with razor-sharp teeth flopping around with a mouth full of treble hooks. Very dangerous,” Schara says. “One person should hold the fish while the other removes the hook(s) from its mouth with a pair of pliers.”
- Grab the camera and shoot: “A muskie is the one fish that’s so big you don’t have to try to make them look bigger by holding them closer to the camera,” Schara says. Smile.
- Free the captive muskie: “Gently lower the fish into the water and wiggle it by the tail a few times. When it’s ready to swim, you’ll know it.”
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Folk Wisdom
Every Minnesotan needs a healthy store of folklore to guide them when common sense fails to provide an answer. Here is some folk wisdom that’s actually true:
The Deets on DEET
DEET is best. Hippie-dippie folklore may say that rubbing your body with such everyday products as Listerine, Bounce dryer sheets, or Vick’s Vapo-Rub will repel mosquitoes as effectively as any other product. But this is nonsense. A 2002 New England Journal of Medicine study determined that insect repellents with DEET (diethyl toluamide) are still the most reliable mosquito deterrent there is, particularly if you want protection from Lyme disease and West Nile virus. Certain “natural” repellents with lemon and/or eucalyptus oil are also said to be effective—especially if the mosquitoes in your backyard have a sore throat.
Chug-a-Slug
One of the best ways to kill garden slugs is to invite them over for a drink. Just dig a shallow hole and put a pie tin in it so the lip is level with the ground. Pour a bottle of beer into the tin and your slugs will soon be drowning their sorrows by, in fact, drowning.
TICKS: Bigger = Better
If you emerge from a stomp in the woods with a fat black tick sucking the blood from your leg, do not despair: That’s a good thing, as tick attacks go. Big, fat, and black means it’s probably a wood tick, not the dreaded deer tick, which is about the size of a sesame seed and is a carrier for Lyme disease.
CRICKETS: Nature’s Thermometer
Margaret LeMone, a scientist with the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colorado, confirmed in a 2007 study what The Old Farmer’s Almanac has always claimed: You can tell the approximate temperature outside by counting cricket chirps. To get the temperature in Fahrenheit, just count the number of times a cricket chirps in 14 seconds and add 40 to that number— so 35 chirps + 40 =75 degerees. This works down to about 50-55 degrees.
Thunderstorm Math
Yes, you can calculate how far away a thunderstorm is by counting the time between a flash of lightning and the ensuing thunderclap. Here’s how:
- Start counting the seconds as soon as you see the lighting flash. Stop counting as soon as you hear the thunderclap.
- Sound travels about a mile every 4.7 seconds. So every 5 seconds you count represents roughly a mile.
- If you counted 5 seconds, the storm is about 1 mile away. 10 seconds = 2 miles away, et cetera.
| How to Survive a Tornado— NEW RULES!
Since time began, it seems, we’ve been told that if you can’t get to a sturdy building or a basement when a tornado is approaching (if, say, you are on I-94 headed to Pelican Rapids), you should pull over, get out of your car, and lie in a ditch with your hands over your head. Really? What no one ever mentions is the criteria one should use to weigh the risk of getting swept away by the fury of a tornado or pelted to death by hail. And, just for the sake of argument, what if you have an infant in the back seat? We asked veteran WCCO weather guy Mike Fairbourne what he would REALLY do if he were caught in this situation. His advice:
Don’t panic: “Just because it’s raining and hailing so hard that you need to pull over doesn’t necessarily mean you are at risk for a tornado strike,” says Fairbourne. Stay alert: “Watch the sky, monitor the radio for storm updates, and be aware of your options at all times.” Assess the danger: “If you are stuck in traffic and can’t drive at right angles or away from an approaching tornado—and can see it coming—then it’s time to consider abandoning the perceived safety of your vehicle.” Know what can kill you: “Cars are notorious death traps in tornadoes because they are easily tossed and destroyed. Then again, most people die in tornadoes from flying debris. You can also drown in a ditch, or get crushed by your own car.” (Million-dollar idea: Airbags on the outside of flying autos.) Go with your gut: “Every tornado scenario is different, so there are no hard and fast rules.” But if it’s late at night, say, and the baby is crying, and a tornado is about to blow you to smithereens? “I would probably take my baby and dive into a ditch only as a last resort,” admits Fairbourne. To muddy matters further, Fairbourne notes that the American Red Cross recently changed its official safety recommendations in this situation. Ditches are now a last resort only if there is nowhere else to hide. According to the Red Cross, if you’re in a car: “Pull over and park, keeping seat belts on and the engine running. Put your head down below the windows, covering with your hands and a blanket if possible.” And, of course, pray like you mean it. |
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