Mastering Minnesota: Cultural Behaviors

CULTURE:
Minnesotans are bound together by certain behaviors and experiences that, frankly, mystify outsiders. To fit in, learn:

HOW TO: Fight Fargo-baiting
Nothing is more annoying than talking to out-of-staters who think Minnesotans are a bunch of rubes who wear funny hats and talk like drunk Canadians. To set these misguided outsiders straight, politely inform them that the Coen Brothers’ movie Fargo is not a documentary. Among other things, no true Minnesotan would ever try to shove a human body through a wood-chipper, because that’d gum up the works for sure. Besides, isn’t that what chainsaws are for?

HOW TO: Walk in the skyway
The rules for getting around in the skyway are no different from the rules for driving and boating: Stay to the right. Be forewarned that if you try to buck the tide during lunch hour in Minneapolis, you will end your time on this earth as skyway roadkill, which is an especially painful way to go. Almost as painful as walking outside.

HOW/WHERE TO: Buy fireworks
Minnesota’s fireworks laws have changed to allow so-called “safe and sane” packs of fireworks to be sold at Target and other family-friendly stores. But as any fireworks enthusiast knows, “safe and sane” is code for “not much fun.” That’s why generations of Minnesotans continue to make the trek across the Wisconsin border, where the laws are basically the same but a long tradition of municipal generosity makes purchasing fireworks that actually explode a bit easier.

Note: Mpls.St.Paul Magazine in no way condones the purchase or use of illegal fireworks—we just report on the miscreants who do.

HOW TO: Stretch your vowels like a Swede
The so-called “Minnesota accent” is difficult to imitate because it involves three vowel sounds borrowed from the Swedish alphabet (å, ä, ö). These are separate characters that have nothing to do with the letters “a” or “o” and, when used in words, communicate something completely different. For example, in Swedish, the word bar means “bare,” the word bår means “stretcher,” and the word bär means “berry.” In Minnesota, the word “bar” means an establishment where alcoholic beverages are served—which, after three or four beers, is also the best place to practice flattening and elongating those vowels like a native.

HOW TO: Laugh in the face of adversity
Minnesotans are famous for enduring the frustrations and indignities of life with a smile. This can strike outsiders as an eerily deep kind of denial, but after you’ve lived here a while it becomes obvious that this reflexive cheerfulness is absolutely necessary if one intends to read the local paper on a regular basis, epecially the sports section. For sports fans, it's either laugh at the madness or drown in a sea of tears.

How TO: Sound like a fan of local music
There are a half-dozen musical acts that all Minnesotans of a certain age revere: The Replacements, The Jayhawks, Semisonic, Trip Shakespeare, Hüsker Du, and Prince. If you want to converse with a local about the Twin Cities music scene, all you have to say is: "At First Ave., back in the day, I saw [insert band name] and they were [insert superlative]." But, having invoked the sacred words, "First Ave." along with an iconic band name, you should get your sorry self over the the Electric Fetus and make darn sure you know what you're talking about.

Non-Minnesotans often complain that Minnesotans are “bad” drivers. We are not; we just have a distinctive style behind the wheel that drives non-Minnesotans nuts.
Minnesota’s Rules of the Road:

• Never signal.
• Never look over your shoulder.
• Never slow down to let someone in.
• Always go at or below the speed limit (especially if the guy behind you looks like he’s in a hurry).
• If ice or snow is on the road, accelerate.
• If your vehicle cost more than $30,000, take up two parking spots.
• Honk anytime you see a friend. If it’s a good friend, stop in the middle of the road to chat.