Family Ties

When Lisa and Todd Sylvester first began sharing pictures of their adopted baby, Ty, they sent them out to friends and family, but also to someone they’d met only months before: Ty’s birth mother. “We encouraged her from the start to be involved in his life, and in our lives,” says Lisa.

Domestic adoptions—open arrangements in which birth parents can get updates or even visit with their children—are increasingly common, according to Gary Debele, who specializes in family and adoption law at Walling, Berg & Debele and is himself an adoptive parent. In the past, he says, there was a pervasive belief that contact with birth parents would leave children confused about family roles.

But a wealth of recent research—especially from Harold Grotevant at the University of Minnesota and Ruth McRoy at the University of Texas—shows that far from causing anxiety and frustration, open adoptions provide direct information with which children can build a sense of self and identity. Those relationships enrich them with the knowledge of where they came from and why their birth parents chose the path they did.

The arrangements can be beneficial to parents as well: In the mid-eighties, Grotevant and McRoy began following 190 adoptive families and 169 birth mothers. They have found that fears about birth parents trying to reclaim their children or be intrusive aren’t apparent in families with open adoption.

“Far from being disruptive, researchers have found open adoptions are helpful,” says Debele. “At this point, most domestic adoptions are open, which is a huge switch from even thirty years ago, when adoption details were shrouded in secrecy.

In open adoptions, the level of contact between birth and adoptive parents varies greatly, says Katrina Cisneros, a manager for the open adoption and pregnancy counseling program at Children’s Home Society & Family Services. Some birth parents and adoptive couples exchange information only through their agency representative, while others lean toward inviting birth parents to family gatherings and holidays. Most adoptions involve only the birth mother, although there are instances in which birth fathers are involved, too.

“Adoption in itself is not the best option for every couple, and open adoptions might not work for everyone,” Cisneros says. “But for the majority of couples and birth parents who come to us, they’re really interested in creating a relationship that benefits the child, and often, that means open adoption.”

Building Connections
For many interested in adoption, the first step is usually a healthy dose of education to clear up any preconceived ideas. When Jason and Melissa Ver Steeg decided to adopt in 2004, they bristled at first when presented with the idea of keeping in touch with the birth parents. “We were nervous, and skeptical,” says Jason. “We just weren’t sure about what the implications of the arrangement would be.”

The Ver Steegs had a four-year-old daughter, Kayla, but the pregnancy had been very difficult, and after she was born, later attempts to have another child resulted in a number of miscarriages and fertility treatments that Melissa says were “an emotional roller coaster.”

After enrolling in an open adoption program at Lutheran Social Services, both Jason and Melissa soon became convinced of the benefits of open adoption, and not long afterward, they were able to adopt a newborn, Joshua. By staying in contact with Joshua’s birth parents, the couple feel  they’ve become close friends.

“It’s been a wonderful experience for us,” says Melissa. “The birth mother and father are so appreciative when we see them, and so grateful to us. But they don’t know what they’ve done for us, what a joy it is to have Joshua in our lives. We feel like our family is complete.”

For another adopting couple, Julie and Hal (who asked that their last names not be used), their ideas about open adoption changed when they heard birth mothers telling their stories at an adoption seminar.

“I remember walking away from one session and just being blown away when I realized how much love they had for their children,” says Julie. “They were so selfless and aware, that I understood how keeping a connection with them would benefit a child.”

After being chosen by a birth mother in 2005, Julie and Hal met with the woman several times and soon reached a level of friendship. The three of them, as well as the birth father, went on the hospital tour given to pregnant women and their families so they’ll know what to expect on delivery day. They also discussed preparations for the baby’s birth and subsequent placement with the adoptive parents. Julie and Hal chose the name Leo, and the birth mother picked his middle name, Shel. “That was really neat, coming up with the names together,” says Hal. “It’s just nice proof of the connection we all have with each other."

Although Joshua and Leo have yet to discover for themselves the benefits of the open adoption arrangement, many older children are already convinced. For Meredith Walter, a seventeen-year-old adopted at birth, staying in touch with her birth mother means that she has a deeper sense of family and of herself, she says.

“I don’t have to wonder where my hands came from, or my nose, I can see when I meet with my birth mother,” she notes. As she gets older, Meredith has found she’s also curious about her birth father, and is getting more comfortable asking questions about him.

“I’m starting to find out what he was like, and slowly learning about him,” she says. “It’s really nice, really comforting, to be able to ask my birth mother about things like that. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know her at all. I’d have so many questions that couldn’t be answered.”

Her fourteen-year-old brother, Evan, was also adopted as a newborn, and although communication with his birth mother sometimes breaks down, he’s still been able to get to know his half-siblings, who were born after he was adopted and are being raised by Evan’s birth mother.

“If I didn’t have contact with my birth mother, it would feel like I didn’t have half my family,” he says. “I wouldn’t even know my half-sister and half-brother. I’m glad that there’s this arrangement, because I can see them, and I can know something about myself and my family history.”

Because they’re both adopted, and have volunteered to speak on adoption at seminars, Meredith and Evan have a special bond, says their mother, Kate Walter. “As they grow older, that connection will deepen,” she says. “And having contact with their birth mothers is very important to them. I can’t imagine it any other way.”

Mixed Feelings
Although open adoptions have significant benefits for children and parents, they can also be challenging, Cisneros notes. Like any relationship, communication struggles can emerge, and the blend of feelings involved can be difficult. For the Sylvesters, they got a call from the birth mother of Ty, who told them that she was pregnant again and wanted them to adopt. Although they did end up adopting the baby, Ava, the situation created a new level of complexity.

“Every relationship has challenges, but here you have the added element of small lives involved,” says Todd. “Plus, you’re intimately involved with someone at a difficult stage in her life.”

In most open adoptions, there’s a feeling of loss on both sides: for the birth parents who must make the decision to have other people raise their child, and for the adoptive parents, too, because they often come to an agency as a result of infertility. 

“We try to make sure they remain empathetic with each other, because they’ll be connected forever in an open adoption, so it’s important to start from a good place,” says Cisneros. “Often, the experience is texturized with grief, change, and courage, as well as hope, excitement, confidence, and anxiety. It’s hard for anyone to manage all of that.”

Strong emotions on both sides can be tough to navigate while figuring out the specifics of an adoption agreement, even when everyone is acting in the best interest of the child. And, understandably, the feelings don’t fade as soon as the paperwork is complete.

When Chelsea Jones got pregnant at seventeen and chose a family to adopt the baby before she was born, Jones knew she’d made the decision because she wanted her child to grow up in a secure place. She picked people she felt were kind, and would give her daughter a good life. She and the adoptive parents have become like close friends, she says, exchanging e-mails at least once a week in the three months since the baby’s birth. But some emotions are still difficult for her.

“They’re down-to-earth, good people,” she says. “But it was really hard to do, and it’s still hard today. I think there’ll always be a little emptiness inside me. When I came home from the hospital, I was thinking with my heart more, not my head, and I wanted my little girl back.”

But, Jones says, she realized the adoption was best for her daughter, and the fact that she can still be part of her life is a great help in moving forward. “Open adoption is just better for everybody involved,” she says. “This way, she won’t have questions.”